Insurance Ads Suck

Nothing pisses me off more than stupid car insurance commercials. They are on every channel and most of the time, they are retarded.

1. State Farm

Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there?! Are you fucking serious?! I don’t even talk to my neighbors. And my neighbors in NJ are all ghinds. They are neither good neighbors, nor do I want them “there” or anywhere close to me. I’ll pass

2. Progressive

I cannot stand the Progressive commercial with that ugly fool trying to sell me insurance packaged in a cardboard box. Are you serious? I’ll definitely pass.

3. Esurance

Can it get any more stupid than the Esurance cartoon? Am I going to buy your car insurance because some pink-haired cartoon slut is doing a jump kick? NO!

4. Allstate

Having the first black President being your spokesman earns you some credit but I’d rather see David Palmer dodge bullets than sell insurance.

5. Nationwide

These ads are about as exciting as Renee Zellweger’s face.

The clear winner of the insurance ad battle is clearly...

Fix Your Shit

I recently received the following spreadsheet from an intern at work. I looked at it and almost beat the shit out of him. Everything needed to be fixed. Then I realized that this 20-year old kid between his junior and senior year at Villanowhere University probably had no prior training in Excel and at best, only knew how to use the sum function. I felt compelled to teach him some experience and school him in the .


Through this process, I learned that I've become increasingly focused on the most minute details… details that really don't matter. I was spending my precious time away from ESPN.go.com and Dealbreaker by helping this kid who probably did not even want to be helped. Why was I doing this to myself? Why should I care if he does a good job in his internship? The answer is simple. I don't give a fuck about him. This is for me! I will NOT tolerate this piece of garbage workbook, I refuse to deliver this ass-looking spreadsheet to anyone, and most importantly, I can't stand looking at this shit!

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Attention to details please!

A Few Good (Exxon) Men
Son, we live in a world that has cars and those cars need to be driven by men with oil. Who's gonna do it? You? You, Prius-driving dick? I have a greater responsibility than you can possibly fathom. You weep for the environment and curse fossil fuel; you have that luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing what I know: that natural resources' death, while tragic, probably saved money and that my existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, saves money.

You don't want the truth because deep down in places you don't talk about at parties you want me on that Green shit, you need me on that Green shit. We use words like economical, practial, SUVs. We use them as the backbone of a life trying to get rich. You use them as a punchline. I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to a man who rises and sleeps under the blanket of the very natural gas I provide and then questions the manner in which I provide it. I would rather you just said "thank you," and went on your way. Otherwise, I suggest that you pick up a hose of unleaded and start pumping. Either way, I don't give a damn what you think you are entitled to.

Braveheart
Big Vik: I am Vikram Pandit. And, I see a whole army of my Bankers and Trades, here in defiance of TARP tyranny. You've come to fight as financiers, and financiers you are. What will you do without finance?! Will you fight?

Scared Analyst: No . . . we will run . . . and we will be consultants.

Big Vik: Aye. Fight and you may be poor. Run and you'll be in consulting, at least a while. And, dying in your beds, many years from now, would you be willing to trade all the days from this day to that for one chance -- just one chance -- to come back here and tell Tim Geithner, that they may take our bonuses, but they'll never take our tier 1 ratio!

Independence Day
In less than an hour, traders from here will join others from around the world. And, you will be launching the largest electronic naked-short in the history of a Bulge Bracket. "Bulge Braket," those words should have new meaning for all of us today. We can't be consumed by our petty differences anymore. We will be united in our common interest in ROI. Perhaps, it's fate that today is the Sixteenth of September, and you will once again be fighting for our freedom--not from tyranny, oppression, or persecution, but from margin calls and being poor. We're fighting for our right to collect bonuses--to buy nice shit. And, should we win the day, the Sixteenth of September will no longer be known as the end of investment banking, but as the day when the world declared in one voice: "We will not go quietly into the night. We will not vanish, without a fight. We're going to short the fuck out of Lehman. We're going to get rich first. Today, we celebrate our Independence Day!"