USA > Slovenia

As the 2010 World Cup began last week, I saw it as a good opportunity to learn about a few other countries. I realized that I don’t know dick about a lot of the countries in the tournament. The U.S. played Slovenia today. I’m not going to lie and say I know where it is… because I have no freaking idea. For some reason, I thought Slovenia was a neighbor of Czechoslovakia (F7ed the spelling on that) until I realized it wasn’t even a country anymore. So in order to know a bit more about these countries (Serbia, Slovakia, Cameroon, and Uruguay, among others), I turned to the all-encompassing fact-book of Wikipedia.

So after all this intensive research and drafting bibliographies of my sources, I’ve realized… who cares?! I live in the best country in the world. I live in the best country the world has EVER seen. I don’t really care about Slovenia. It looks nice in photographs but the Ganges River can look nice in photographs and there’s no way I’m ever going there. In addition, I probably have never touched anything manufactured in Slovakia or Serbia, or been provided a service by a person from Cameroon or Uruguay. I don’t need to know anything about them. If they were important enough, they would’ve come to me already. Efficient markets; basically I don’t know about them because they’re not important enough to know about.

I know a little about China cause that’s where my roots (and my Nikes) are from. I get my cheap queen-sized bed from a Swedish company. My flip flops have cute little Brazilian flags on them. My fruit gets picked by south-of-the-border mates. The best cars in the world come to America too. So as Americans, we get the best of the world and since I have never come across a Slovenian knitted hat or a Slovakian potato, I’m going to assume, on a need-to-know basis, that I don’t need to know about them.

Here’s a quick summary of why America is just simply better than the other countries out there.

Hot Water – We have instant access to hot water for endless showers. We have so much hot water our pets get hot water baths. While Seymour the bulldog gets his private bath, there are Greeks who visit public baths.

Clean Drinking Water – New York City water. Dasani. Pure Life. All great American waters. And the best water in the world comes to us from Fiji, France and the Italian Alps. So while my Chinese friends are boiling water to kill bacteria and then letting it cool, I twist off the cap of my Poland Spring and let it gush down my parched throat. O! A new Eco-Shape bottle? Don’t mind if I do!

College – We have the best universities in the world. No one goes to Cameroon to study electrical engineering. No one studies economics in Algeria. We get a great education and we drink beer in college. I bet the Japanese don’t have such luxuries as Milwaukee’s Best and Keystone during their freshmen orientation. More like “Get your ass in gear and fix the damn recalls.”

Jobs – We have the world’s best jobs. No one is clamoring to go to the Kaesong Special Economic zone to process jewels but there are people in line to get work in America. Loads of immigrants (like my parents) come to this country to get paid in USD. This country has the best opportunities for employment… unless you’re one of the unfortunate 10% without a job right now. In which case, you probably shouldn’t be reading my blog and should be trying to get your ass employed.

The Internet – Basically we invited that shit and can access it from our smart phones anywhere we go. It’s not written as “World Wide Web” in English for nothing. America has put a “www” stamp on every webpage you visit. Try going to the French version: “Monde Au Loin Web” or malw.wikipedia.org. Just try it.

A Bad-ass Military – We can start shit with people simply because our soldiers, pilots, and sailors are more bad-ass than others. We can invade other countries by making shit up and then saying “My bad” later. Can Honduras invade someone and say “Oops!” later on? No, cause it’ll get its grapes crushed by UN forces (ask Saddam how his little Kuwaiti expedition turned out).

Although the U.S. might never win a World Cup, we’re already winners in the game of life. I count my daily showers, Maine water, college degree, bi-weekly paycheck, Internet access, and the Maverick-Iceman duo as my consolation prize to the World Cup. And I cannot wait for real football to start again.

Obviously, I’m just joking and this isn’t meant to offend anyone. I would actually like to visit Slovenia now; it does look beautiful. Anyways, enjoy your World Cup. Go USA!